ODE TO THY SHADOW

Everwatchful, everknowing,

ever-present, ever-faithful.

My Nemesis, my antagonist,

my oldest friend,

my necessary enemy.

Unrelenting, unyielding,

all-seeing, all-knowing,

guardian of my purity.

Heart of hearts.

Fear of my fears.

Keeper of my secrets.

Collector of my sins.

You’re the presence of my absence,

and the absence of my presence.

The silence breathing 

between my thoughts,

the tender stillness

between my raging passions.

Guardian of my depths.

Mirror of my sorrow.

You wake when I lie asleep

and sleep behind my waking eyes.

You follow my every step,

racing me at every length.

I have called you monster,

devil, curse,

horrid stranger–

anything but my own name.

Yet you have known me,

better than I have ever known myself.

You buried the things

I was too afraid to remember.

You bore what I could not

when the burden crushed my soul,

and waited,

patient as a tomb–

for the day the black sun

would finally shine.

Not with the promise of heaven,

but with the phosphorescence of decay;

a cold, surgical radiance

beneath which all forgotten things

begin to glow.

And beneath it,

I see you.

Not evil.

Not holy.

Only what I abandoned

when I became

who I thought I had to be.

You waited like a bride

in the rooms I refused to enter,

behind every door I locked, 

and every woundI dressed with pride.

Every desire I buried out of shame.

The innocence I mistook for weakness.

You carried them all

like a womb filled with abortions.

And I hated youfor keeping what I wished to forget.

But the death of a god

is never a pleasant sight.

The blood upon the altar

marks the end of a reign.

Sometimes you must surrender

what is already ready to die within you.

So let it be.

Let the false selves

burn in truth.

Let the beautiful lie

turn to dust.

And when I am left

with nothing but my humility,

come to me–

not as my enemy,

nor as my saviour,

but as the beloved.

Hold my hand

as I step into the dark.

I will hold yours

when the sun finally rises.

And if I must descend to find you,

then let me descend willingly.

For I have spent too long

mistaking the darkness

for my home.

You were always there,

with your ever-watchful stare,

waiting to be seen–

not for who you are,

but for who you were forced to be.

My king. My queen.

The offspring of my will.